Not A Girl
by TransitioningPrince
Summary: Kageyama is not a girl. (Warnings: Sad, Depression, Dysphoria, Mentions of minor abuse, Implied self harm/hatred.)
1. Intro

_There it was again. The constant reminder of what he wasn't._

 _Tokie this, Tokie that._

 _No._

 _No matter the screaming, the crying. No matter the denial, the hate. He was still reminded of what he wasn't._

 _A he._

Tobio Kageyama was finally fed up after one particularly hateful argument with his parents. Of course it was about him managing to get a male uniform at the - fall-back - school of his choice. He discreetly filed himself under male at the entry and even signed up for the volleyball club. It was all set and stone until -

Well there was the email sent out congratulating the Kageyamas about their son's enrollment at Karasuno High School... To say he was in trouble was an understatement.

"Young lady! Your name is Kageyama Tokie! What is the meaning of this?!"

It was his mother yelling. He knew he was in for an earful from the terminology alone.

"Who is this Tobio fellow? Is he the son we didn't know about?"

This time was his father's sarcastic remark.

The yelling went on like this for hours until his father gave up and went out for sake with one of his coworkers - a Tsukishima. This was also the time when is mother went to her connected bathroom for a long bath.

Kageyama was alone - though he was most nights. His parents were usually too busy either avoiding him after an argument or filling out papers to threaten divorce. He was used to it. The empty sound once his mother had blacked out drunk in the tub was almost too comfortable to him. No matter what - _this_ is what he could never get used to. Endless silence.

Morning surely arrived too slowly. The patting of the rain trickling down against his window was calming and might've made him want to try to fall asleep if even only for a moment -

But his alarm clock had other intentions.

Though he had heard it was dangerous, Kageyama began his daily routine with taping down his breasts with some cheap drugstore bandages. Next was his tank top to hide any lumps from the poor binding before he began dressing up in his uniform and fixing his hair.

Something didn't look right to him though so, without much hesitation, he grabbed the scissors from his desk and began choppily cutting off easily fourteen inches of hair, the raven locks falling to the floor as he fixed his hair the best he could as to look normal. He knew his parents weren't home so he didn't bother cleaning his mess up yet as he was already running late for school.

With a final look in the mirror, he started off towards Karasuno High School.


	2. Not Today

It didn't take long for the panting and pains to begin. Kageyama could physically feel his ribs starting to bruise and it getting harder to breath with each step he took - and he wasn't even at the school gates yet. He knew the bandages were _too_ tight but was in a hurry. He was already starting to pay the price for it.

A breath of relief passed his lips as he finally made it to his classroom - though he was indeed late - but all he cared about was finally getting to sit down and relax his body for at least a period of class. The moment he sat down, he almost instantly regretted it as his makeshift binder managed to bunch up right beneath his breasts and cause pain to shoot across his sternum and ribs.

And to make things just as worse, he felt cramps setting in.

The only thing he could do was curl up the best he could in his chair and impatiently wait out the hour of class that he just knew was going to feel like a lifetime. His thighs pressed tighter together by the moment as the hot feeling in his stomach made itself more and more persistent and apparent. This was definitely not how he wanted to spend his first day of high school: his binding bandages far, _far_ too tight, blood pooling in his boxers, and _of course_ the damned dysphoria. No, he wasn't particularly feminine but that didn't mean he didn't feel self conscious about his very existence in his _barely passable_ male body.

This was just too much for him. His emotions were already everywhere due to it being his time of the month, but now, as he sat in the crowded classroom, he couldn't help but be nearly on the verge of tears from the stress alone. Was he passing enough? Did anyone not believe him? _Was it obvious that beneath his uniform he had breasts and a lack of male genitalia?_ These thoughts had him on edge during the entire class period and it was definitely more than obvious due to the nervous sweat he'd broke out into. Beads of said liquid rolling down his nape as he felt stares - that may or may not have been there - in his direction the more he thought.

This much worrying _cannot_ be healthy.

Relief set in as the bell rang, echoing throughout the hallways as students started towards their next class. As for Kageyama, he was really in no general hurry. No, he physically _couldn't_ be in a hurry with the pains in his abdomen. He's barely made it to class on time.

And there it was. The boy that made his heart race daily at just the thought of his enthusiasm and challenges and just - _Hinata Shouyou in general._

This truly was unfair how much this.. whatever it was frustrated him too much that he could only express it with anger. Of course they'd only met _once_ but it was enough to made his heart race and his hands to sweat. Not to mention what... indecent thoughts he'd made him have over the break. Just the thought made his cheeks flush. So unfair...

He took his seat at the only desk available that just _had_ to be next to _him._ The world had it out for him and he just knew it. Why did this have to happen? Why? What had he'd done to deserve this?

Kageyama crossed his legs as he sat down, keeping his head down until a shock yell came from the boy beside him. "K-K-King! W-What are you doing here?! I promised to beat you!"

He could only sigh as he rubbed his temples. "Don't call me that... I enrolled here." He mumbled, not really up for a proper response. This was his fault that he ended up this exhausted and he knows it. He doesn't know really what's worse at this point: That his binding was too tight, that he was in the same class as his sworn enemy, or the punishment he was going to get when he gets home and his parents see his short hair.

Oh was he going to get it once he got home, he was definitely not looking forward to it. He surely wouldn't and, well, _couldn't_ consider his parents abusive but they did was needed to be done when he was out of line. They proved that just a week ago with the bruise that had lingered on his cheek from an argument. That was the worst an argument about _him_ has ever gotten. That was his main concern for that day, that it was going to end up like that again, with his father's hand print across his cheek.

He was snapped out of his thoughts when the class introductions came to him. Preforming the proper greet, he sat down as quickly as possible, his legs crossing once again as he sunk back into his thought, regretting it as they gradually got darker and darker and led him closer to tears than before.

This is not how his first day of high school was supposed to go. Hopefully practice would go better, but his binder was having other thoughts.

 _Just great,_ Kageyama thought as he stood up once again as the bell rung.

The day went on like this practically the entire day, Kageyama filled with dysphoria, depression overwhelming any reasonable thoughts of his, and just overall anxiety flooding his mind.

Finally, it was time for volleyball. It couldn't get any worse, right?

Well that's what he thought too.


	3. Live To Learn To Love

It started with the principal's toupee incident.

Hinata and Kageyama had sent a ball flying in the principal's direction, hitting him directly, and sending his - far too obvious - toupee flying and landing on their captain's head... Needless to say, they were in quite some trouble for this little accidental stunt.

Daichi, after that, had banned them from the volleyball club until they could learn to cooperate better together and get along enough to not try to kill each other for their very presence. And what did this mean for Kageyama? Oh just that he was going to be alone with Hinata until they learned to work better together...

This was already starting to be the pain in Kageyama's ass that led him even closer to breaking down into tears in front of Hinata, but he just couldn't. Well, he _could_ but he just wouldn't allow himself to stoop that low. Even if his binder was getting even tighter from being thrown out of the gym, tears pricking his eyes.

"I don't need this.." Kageyama mumbled as he started off towards a nearby restroom. He needed to loosen his bandages and he knew it - and that's what he had originally intended to do.

But _of course_ he'd just had to have tied them too tight and couldn't get his nimble fingers between the slit of the knot. He knew what he had to do then, no matter how embarrassing, he just needed to breathe.

"H-Hinata...?" He called out shakily from the restroom where he stood with only his bandages covering his breasts, bruising obvious from months of incorrect binding. A 'hmm' came as a response as Hinata entered the restroom, instantly furrowing his brows at the sight. "Can you help me? I-I tied it too tight... I can't undo the knot.." He mumbled, very embarrassed.

"Are you injured?" Hinata asked out of assumption from seeing the bandages, immediately started at the knot, managing to slip his small fingers between the knot and gradually starting to work it out, the bandages starting to unravel at the very moment the knot was undone, Kageyama's extremely bruised chest and ribs coming into view. "Wait - Are you..?"

Kageyama felt tears start to stream down his cheeks, hiccuping softly as he curled up. "I'm disgusting, I know..." He whimpered, crossing his arms over his chest to at least cover himself. "I just couldn't accept the fact that I'm a girl.. I'm a girl..!" He sobbed out, wheezing between sobs. To his surprise, he felt Hinata's body heat against his as the older embraced him tightly.

"No. You're just as much of a boy as I am. If you identify as a boy, you're a boy." Hinata whispered softly, pulling back to look at the dark bruising. "I should get the nurse... Or at least one of our senpais." He said, frowning as he noticed the slight deforming of Kageyama's ribs.

Kageyama whispered out a small, "Suga" before starting to wipe away his tears. "Please hurry.. I need to put my shirt back on." He almost whimpered.

Not five minutes later did Hinata come back with Sugawara in tow, ice in the senpai's hand. "Kageyama... Please don't bind with bandages, it's extremely dangerous." The third year whispered as he crouched in front of Kageyama, gently pressing the ice against the younger's ribs.

Kageyama stayed silent for moment. ".. I-It's the only thing I can bind with.. My parents aren't accepting so an actual binder's not an option... And sports bras just... It doesn't leave me as flat chested as I want it to..." He whispered, chewing his lip anxiously.

"Bandages are far too dangerous... I'm your senpai, we're roughly the same size. I'll give you an old binder of mine, okay? I don't need it anymore." Sugawara said sweetly, noticing the shocked looks on the others faces. "I started my hormones around puberty so my chest isn't too noticeable with a sports bra."

Much to all of their surprise, Kageyama instantly embraced his senpai, hugging him close. "Thank you... It means so much to me." He whispered. Sugawara returned the embrace, rubbing Kageyama's back and gently massaging along his ribs, attempting to relieve at least some of the pain knotted in the areas.

"Of course, I know how inconveniencing dysphoria can be. Just wear a sports bra every morning and when you get to school, put the binder on. I'll help you with the clasps, okay?"

Kageyama couldn't help the tears that pricked his eyes, hugging Sugawara tighter. "Really, thank you. Thank you so much." The words came out as a whisper once again as he relaxed at elder's actions of massaging his bruises and knots.

Maybe this wasn't so bad after all? With a caring and definitely relating senpai helping him through, his past rival being accepting, and now having a binder... It really hadn't ever been this good for him. And he couldn't be more thankful. For once in his life he felt truly accepted and loved. He actually didn't feel absolutely messed up and like a failure.

But that happened to be the time he heard his phone start to ring. He just knew it couldn't be good by the set ringtone alone. It just had to be his parents.


	4. Why me?

**WARNING! This chapter contains graphic details and mentions (including a small scene) of child abuse and hate! If you're not comfortable with reading, the next chapter will be up as soon as possible and I will sum up what happened so you won't miss anything - You have been warned.**

It definitely wasn't going to be a good congratulatory call. _Far from that._ As soon as Kageyama mustered up the courage to answer the call and put the phone up to his ear, there was immediately yelling.

"D-Dad - Please calm down! I know what this is about... Please cam down, I'm trying to explain it to you!" He rushed out, already feeling the familiar feeling of the starting of choking on a sob coming up. His father wouldn't ever listen to him, he didn't understand why but this is how it'd always been. Always.

 ** _"Oh we're going to have a serious talk when you get your ass home."_** Came his father's reply, it was practically a growl and he could just _see_ his father's disapproving scowl over the phone. _**"If you thought you were in trouble about 'coming out,' aren't you in for a surprise."**_

"No, Dad, please... Please don't -" But he was cut off by the dead tone of the phone, almost immediately forcing more tears to roll down his cheeks and a sob out of his throat. "Dammit!" He sobbed, curling up tighter, taking shaky breaths as he attempted to compose himself in front of his teammates. Much to his surprise, two pairs of arms were brought around him, embracing him tightly. He just couldn't contain himself anymore as he clung to his senpai, sobbing into his shoulder. "I fucked up... dammit..." He whispered shakily.

"Shh... It'll be okay. Just call me if things get out of hand at home, okay? I know some families can get violent so just... My number's on the sheet you received at sign up, okay? I don't want you to get hurt so I'll come get you." Sugawara assured, rubbing Kageyama's back and holding him close as Hinata was hugging him from behind, testing out humming small melodies that helped his little sister when she was upset.

"I... I should get home then... I don't want to be in more trouble for being home late." Kageyama had excused himself, just slipping on his shirt and moving to get his bag. "I'll call you if things get too bad." He said quietly, hurrying out of the restroom and starting towards home immediately as to not suffer any worse consequences than he was already going to. This was _definitely_ not how his first day was supposed to go. He was not supposed to have been found out, he was not supposed to have to take off his bandages, he was not supposed to be menstruating, he was not supposed to be walking home while knowing a beating was waiting, he was not supposed to feel so... so... _disgusting, vile, different..._ No, he was supposed to have a normal day like everyone else. Meeting new people and joining the volleyball club and team. That's how it was supposed to go. Meeting the teachers, learning what he was good at and what he wasn't... Not this.

Just as he reached his block did he feeling an instant urge to just throw up that moment. Seeing his house only made the feeling intensify and climb up his throat, an all too familiar vile taste creeping up...

But it was too late to just turn around. To leave. To run back, pleading one of his teammates to let him stay with them for the night - or better yet, the week. His father was already at the door waiting, him not so discreetly slipping his belt from the loops and holding it at his side. Kageyama was completely screwed now that he knew what he was in for. That belt... No, it'd never been used on him but it surly had been threatened and he'd seen his father use it on his mother a handful of times after other men left their house.

Kageyama wasn't an idiot, he knew what was going on. Their family had long since fallen apart. He had no idea why his parents hadn't divorced yet but all he knew was that he was living in absolute hell.

He'd slowly approached the door, each step turning his legs to jelly. He was taking his time, but his father had other intentions. With a yank of his arm, the elder Kageyama pulled his son inside, practically throwing him to the ground as he tightened the belt around his hand, the belt folded over itself to make it thicker. The door was slammed closed with his father's foot as the belt was slapped against the teen's back, causing him to wail out as slap after slap came. Blood was starting to prick and bruise the skin of his back, staining his shirt a crimson color in some areas.

Afterwards, his father walked over to face Kageyama before drawing his hand back, bringing it down with a force against the younger's cheek that echoed throughout the room. "Don't ever act out like that again... Get the hell out of my house, faggot." He slurred, obviously drunk from the smell of his breath, nothing but pure whiskey and beer soaking in as the smell.

Kageyama stumbled to the door, racing out and only stopping as he got a few blocks away, the blood on his back trickling down and starting to drip to the concrete.

He had to make the call. With a shaky breath, Kageyama dialed the number on the sheet from his pocket and waited until a familiar joyful voice answered. "Hello? Koushi here."

"S-Senpai... Um... Y-You told me to call if things got too bad... Can I stay with you for a few days?" He had asked very hesitantly, chewing his lip nervously as the blood from his back meeting a cool breeze of fall air.

"Oh! Kageyama-kun! Of course! Where are you right now? I'll have Sawamura-kun drive me over to get you." Suga responded though his tone was extremely worried. Kageyama told him his location and in almost no time, Daichi's car came into view, stopping in front of him and helping him inside the car.

"What happened...?" Daichi asked softly. Kageyama took a deep breath before starting to explain what had happened.


End file.
